twenty.

It hasn't set in yet. Not completely. I still have this strange hope that maybe one day, a miracle will happen and I know that I have just set myself up for distress because it never will, there's not enough time left, unless something unimaginable could happen in the next four days, but it won't. Nothing can or will be the same and it hurts, whether we asked for it or not. & maybe this is just some horrible nightmare or maybe even some dream gone awry. But no, its actually neither. Its just reality. It seems like somebody stole one of the MOST important things in my life from me. What wrong have I ever done to you? & it makes me feel like I should just disappear and vanish into the thin air as I say these words. It was all just so uncalled for. I wish for a moment that time would lift me out of this day, and into one more benign. But then I feel guilty for wanting to avoid the sadness. People need us to remember them, even if it eats us, even if all we can say is I'm sorry, until it is as meaningless as air. The memories flew by like they weren't even there to begin with. & now I know that we take too many things for granted. I just don't understand it. I thought that you were always going to be there by my side. I guess I was wrong, but its not your fault. I love you. I miss you. & I will never ever ever never forget you. Always be in my heart. Because every time I will have fun, I will think of our stupidity. Because every time I will cry, I will think about the times you were there. Because every time I will laugh, I will think of something idiotic we had done. & Because every time someone will say "best friend", it will always be you.

I'm still worried though;