fourtyfive.

I am longing, maybe even begging, begging to understand how everyone loves each other beyond words, but no one really likes each other. Being a wallflower, yes it is a very strange occurrence, in that, you see what most people don't and you learn to keep serenely quiet about them. Maybe that's why everyone likes you and smiles at you because they know that it is you they seek to impress. So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad. Oddly though, I am still trying to figure out how that could ever be possible. I don't know if you've ever felt like that, but this is me. Maybe you have felt that you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or even better, just not exist. Or possibly, just not be aware that you do exist. I don't know, something like that would be nice. I think wanting that is very morbid though, but maybe it's good to put things in that perspective. But at times, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Well fuck that, not everyone has a sob story and even if they do it's no excuse for this. Things change, and friends leave and don't give a damn anymore, and life doesn't stop for anyone. Does it ? I really don't know, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. Maybe we'll never even know most of those reasons but even when we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."